What Do You Do When Your Daughter Tells You Her Husband/Boyfriend Hit Her?
© Lisa Whatley – June 14, 2017

May 2022 … I would like to make a statement that even though this article is reflecting domestic violence from a woman’s perspective the roles can definitely be reversed with the woman abusing the man. Yes, men can be abused too.

Here’s what YOU experience … your daughter shows up at your house clearly upset.
She tells you that she had a fight with her husband. She says it was bad enough that he hit her. That’s all she says.

Instantly … your blood boils … shit just hit the fan!

You react.
Clearly it’s warranted.

As you’re screaming what a piece of shit he is you notice that she’s vague on telling you the details.
She’s weirdly calm.

You don’t understand why she isn’t freaking the fuck out.
So you freak the fuck out for her! You get angry, real angry.

You continue to rant telling her that her husband is a piece of shit.
She slightly nods her head in agreement.

You scream he needs someone to kick the shit out of him to show him how it feels.
The fucking pathetic asshole.

You tell her she needs to call the police.
What a fucking coward.

She just looks at you … then quickly looks away.

You tell her she needs to leave him right now.
You’ll take her home and help her pack her things.
Piece of shit.

You’re enraged and now more than a little annoyed that she isn’t too!
She’s fidgety and anxious but eerily calm.

You don’t understand why she hasn’t called the cops, why she doesn’t pack her stuff and leave him.
Why is she just sitting there … emotionless.

You don’t get it.
Now you are confused.
You’re thinking if that was me I would pack my shit and be gone in a second! I’d call the cops on that asshole so fast his head would spin!

Everything you just did and thought was totally normal.
Your reaction is typical.
Your anger was warranted.

But that was the worst thing you could have done for your daughter … in her mind.
Right now she is wishing she never came to you.
She is wishing she kept her secret to herself.

What in the actual fuck … I hear you thinking.
I get it. I know it doesn’t make sense but …

Here’s what she’s EXPERIENCING … your daughter is confused, scared, angry, hurt.
She just wanted to go somewhere that she felt safe.
Somewhere it was quiet. Where there was no fighting.
She didn’t want a lecture.
She didn’t want to be told what to do.
She didn’t want to know that you hated her husband and you thought he was a piece of shit.

All she really wanted was time to process what just took place.
She didn’t want to be judged.
She wanted someone to help her understand what she did wrong. Re-read that.

Did you catch that?
She wanted someone to help her understand “what she did wrong.”
That’s fucked up isn’t it!?

She didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this abuse … but she believes she did.
He probably has conditioned her to believe that it was her fault long before she came to you today.

There’s something else you probably don’t want to know … this wasn’t the first time.
She only told you today because it got more serious than it has in the past.
The cycle is escalating faster and the abuse is getting worse.

You see … you don’t know the whole story.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
She doesn’t tell you everything for a reason … her reason.

She believes she loves him.
She is protecting him because she believes he loves her too.

While you see this physical abuse as an absolute deal breaker … which in fact it is … understand this.
At this point in the game the hurt she is experiencing is not from being hit.
The hurt she is dealing with is mental and emotional.

Stop. Take that in.
The hurt she is dealing with is not physical … it is mental and emotional.

If you have never been in an abusive relationship before this will be extremely hard to understand.
The physical pain goes away. The bruises, cuts, scratches, pulled muscles, broken bones … it all goes away. Forgotten.
The mental and emotional abuse lives on inside. THAT is absolute torture.

Whatever he is saying to her … she internalizes it and begins to believe it is truth.
He’s conditioning her to believe that she is the crazy one and that she deserves whatever he dishes out.
He conditions her with fear tactics often …
“You’re fucking crazy! No one will believe your stupid lying ass so you might as well keep your fucking mouth shut. No one even likes you because you’re a fucking stupid lying idiot. You did this to yourself.”

When she begins to hear this stuff … he has already began to groom and condition their friends.
He knows exactly what he is doing. He’s methodical. He’s a super sly manipulator.

He’s been lying behind her back to their friends. Slowly dropping snide remarks here and there about her character making up outrageous stories in order to make her look like the crazy one.
In most cases he reverses the story … whatever he has done to her he is telling everyone else that she is doing it to him.
He now becomes the victim in his friends eyes. Just as he planned.

He’s painted a torrid picture of her in their minds. Now when she tries to communicate with them … she notices they are acting different. Then soon enough they stop communicating with her.

She believes even more what her husband says about her. It’s proof to her. “He’s right. Something is wrong with me. No one likes me. No one will believe me. This is all my fault. I’m such an idiot.”

He does this to have complete control over her. He does this because he knows what he is doing is wrong. He does this to make his friends believe he is the good guy.
He plays the friends like a deck of cards. He wins them over with fake charm. He manipulates them like putty. He molds them all into his hands.
Until he has them right where he needs them. They have heard all the stories. It’s his back-up plan in case the cops are ever called.

Truly fucking brilliant isn’t he?!

Don’t let the charm and brilliance get to you … sociopaths are dangerous and will turn on you in the blink of an eye.

He is so absolutely convincing … his friends all fall prey to his lies. They are just pawns in his sick game.
This is why you hear all the time … he was such a great guy. I never in a million years thought he was capable of doing such a thing!

No one ever truly knows what goes on behind closed doors and sociopaths are really, really good at playing the game.

This will be heartbreaking when you eventually find out the truth …

She’s vague on the details because she doesn’t want to tell you that this wasn’t the first time.
She doesn’t give you the details because she knows it is fucked up. She isn’t stupid. She just doesn’t understand it. So instead she hides it.
She doesn’t want to tell you that he threw a bowl of food at her from across the room and that is smashed up against the cupboards missing her head by mere inches leaving splattered food and glass everywhere … because it will make him sound like a raging idiot. She doesn’t want to tell you that he then grabbed her by the back of the neck and forced her to walk to where the mess now lies while screaming it was all her fault that this happened and that she needed to clean it up … because she doesn’t want you to think he’s a fucking jerk. She doesn’t want to tell you that he slammed her into the counter calling her a fat useless piece of shit … because she doesn’t want you to be mad at him. She doesn’t want to tell you that he punched her in the back of the head because he sees that she is starting to cry and screams that this is all her fault, that she brought it on herself … because she doesn’t want you to hate him. She doesn’t tell you any of this because … here’s the kicker … she still loves him. She’ll continue to protect him even to the determent of herself.

That’s the sad reality of domestic violence. The victim loves the abuser not because she loves being abused but because she believes he loves her.
She’s been conditioned with the wrong thoughts. She believes the wrong things that he purposely planted there.

At least this is true in the beginning … as the relationship gets further into the game she stops loving him … and becomes deathly afraid of him instead.
The cherry on top of the methodical conditioning he has groomed her with. Leave me bitch and you and the kids die.

Don’t lose your daughter to this sociopath.
Don’t push her out of your life by reacting to the situation.
It’s hard but you have to know the facts.

No matter how many times he abuses her at this point in the game … it is her emotional state of being that is taking massive hits.
So while you are yelling at her she is still trying to process it all.
She is still trying to justify it all.
She is trying to rationalize it all.

She can’t understand how the man she loves could do this to her.
She can’t figure out what she did to make him strike out at her.
She’s trying to figure out how she made him so angry.

She thinks to herself … “I know all couples fight. I must have said something to upset him. Fuck, what did I say? Maybe I should have picked up all the toys before he came home. I know he gets pissy when the house is a mess. Fuck I’m such an idiot. I should have made sure the kids were playing quietly. I know that he gets angry when they make noise. Why didn’t I remember that? God I’m so dumb. I should have made him something different to eat for supper. It’s too hot to eat homemade soup today. Like duh it’s 80 degrees outside I should have made macaroni salad and steak. I don’t know why I’m not on top of these things. He’s right. I am a fucking idiot. He must have had a bad day though like I should have been more sensitive to his feelings. The noise from the leaky tap dripping in the sink must have pushed him over the edge. Why didn’t I put the dishcloth down to stop the noise? I fucked up and shit I look like a disgusting fat, fucking pig. I should have changed my clothes and put makeup on before he came home. I’ll make sure I have everything perfect tomorrow. It won’t happen again. I know he loves me. It was just an accident. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just angry. He loves me and the kids. I’ll do better tomorrow.”

So when you are yelling at her to pack her things and leave … she has no intention of doing that. It wasn’t even a thought that crossed her mind.

Actually when you told her you would help her pack and move she became extremely scared. “How will I take care of the kids by myself? She doesn’t even understand. I have nothing. I have no place to go. Like she thinks I can just pack up and fucking leave. I don’t even have a job! Fuck he’s not even going to let me leave! OMG she wants me to call the cops on him! Fuck. I don’t want the cops involved. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just angry. Why doesn’t she just understand that he had a bad day? Why does she have to be so mean? I thought she liked him? Fuck listen to what she is saying about him! She really doesn’t like him at all. Fuck stop telling me to leave him. He’s not an asshole. He just had a bad fucking day. I over-reacted. It was my fault. Fuck I wish she would just shut up already. I wish I didn’t come here. She’s making it out to be such a big deal. Fuck I was so fucking stupid in telling her. Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut!”

The most important thing for you to know is that yelling at your daughter to leave the son of bitch will be the fastest way she’ll leave YOU.
She will sever all ties with you.
You will lose your daughter to him because …

She isn’t ready to leave him AND you can’t save her.
Reread. You can’t save her.

Here’s why …

When she returns home he’ll be waiting for her … with big ole crocodile tears and promises of change.
With sorry’s and I love you’s. With I’ll never do it again. I had a bad day baby. It was a mistake. Please forgive me. I love you sooooo much. I don’t want to lose you and the kids. You are my life.
He may even have flowers and take her out for a special dinner.

And so the cycle begins again.

They enter the honeymoon phase.
As the clock is ticking … the phase is quickening.

So in the meantime …

She will choose him … over you … because in her mind clearly he loves her.
She will avoid talking to you … over him … because in her mind their relationship is great right now and she certainly doesn’t need you bursting her happy bubble.

It’s important to know that when she came to you she only wanted to feel safe in your space.
She didn’t come for a lecture and she didn’t want to find out how much you hated him!

You are fighting against a cycle of abuse.

So here’s the thing … you didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything any loving parent would do!
Here’s what you need to realize and CHANGE.
You can’t save her. Period.
You can only help her when she asks for it.

The facts are heartbreaking.

Your daughter is being traumatized on a daily basis. Probably more times than you even want to know.
He is grooming her to believe things about herself that are not true.
He is lying to everyone about her to anyone that will listen.
He is stealing her spirit and the life within her is being sucked out.
He holds the key to her life. That’s what he wants. Complete control of her. She is his property.

She has been so victimized and conditioned by him that even if the cops did show up and he was arrested … she still will not leave him.
That will only throw her into a cycle of feeling bad that she put him there … which he will milk to the max!
Then she moves into rescue mode and fights for his removal from jail most likely being coerced by him to say such things as “it didn’t happen” “I tripped” “I lied” … anything to get him out of jail.

She isn’t ready. She has to make the choice herself. It cannot be forced by anyone.

Trying to force her to leave him even with police intervention will not stop them from getting back together.
She has to break the cycle. She has to break free from him when she is ready and on her own terms.

When you try to force her to leave … she’ll force you out of her life.
When you talk shit about her man … she’ll stop talking to you.

How do you help her?

Be there for her when she needs you. Listen to her, be supportive and acknowledge that she is in a very tough situation.
Never belittle her man. Never call her stupid for her choice to stay with him. Both of these will give you a first class ticket out of her life.
Always be very careful with your wording. Do not tell her what to do. She’s already being controlled by her man. She doesn’t need you controlling her too.

Let her know that the abuse is not her fault.
He makes the choice to raise his hand. There is nothing that she could do or say that would cause him to behave the way he has.

You have to understand that her self-esteem and self-worth are at an all-time low. That was his mission. To break her down.
Don’t say “you deserve better” … at this point in time she won’t believe you and will quite possibly reject your relationship too.

If she is still defending his actions … she is still in love with him … which means she will not under any circumstance leave the relationship.

You can try to help her see that she is special, beautiful and loved by communicating that with her.
Tell her how you feel. Not about her situation. About her. How she is beautiful, a great caring, kind person, etc.

You could perhaps at these times use this as a way of coaching her to get out and participate in fun activities outside of her home and relationship.
Try to get her interested in things that she stopped doing once she got into the relationship with him … going for walks, riding bikes, playing tennis, horseback riding, etc.

The absolute best thing she can do for herself is work on raising her self-esteem again.
Share with her positive uplifting music, positive affirmation statements, inspirational books.

Be very, very careful on sharing anything with her in regards to domestic violence. For her safety this stuff should NEVER be inside her home.
You do not under any circumstance want her abuser to know that she may be leaving him. This puts her in a high risk situation. Don’t ever jeopardize this!
She always, always, always needs to be one step ahead of him when she is ready to leave.

You’ll know when she is in the beginning stages of getting out … she will be seeking options. She will be searching for help.

I would highly recommend that you offer your house as a safe haven for her to come and browse the internet to find the resources she needs.
If she is willing to take this step you can also offer to help her develop her safety plan along with leaving her personal items there for when the time is right for her to leave safely.

The more she is surrounded by loving, caring, supportive people that do not hound her in regards to her personal life the more uplifted she will begin to feel.
This will empower her to make some really hard choices.

Be there for her because the day she leaves … this opens up a whole new level of fear.

With Peace & Love from My World to Yours

Lisa Whatley, xo